so dumbledore likes men..

Shall I set the scene for you? Christmas, 1997. Opening gifts from grandma. Excited, as always, and ready for some awesome presents. Then I see the little rectangle package. Maybe it's a new N64 game, I can't really tell. But there it sits. I don't want to reach for it too quickly because it's the last gift I have to open. Finally, I just grab it. I rip the paper off of it hastily. I look down into my hands. A book. Harry Potter and the Sorcerers' Stone. What is this crap? Grandma's lost her touch. I toss it into the corner with the rest of the presents and tell grandma I like it. She attempts to explain why she bought it but I'm seven and to be completely honest my attention span is that of a dog. Yadda yadda yadda, Christmas, 1997 draws to a close.

Fast forward now. Maybe...let's say two months. I'm looking through my room for something with which I can entertain myself. I decided I would read a book. Now, I remind you I am only seven years old at this point so it took courage to actually have the desire to read a book. I was always told my reading level was so high so at this stage in my mundane adolescence I could use a good challenge, put these words to the test. I began looking for a book. My collection wasn't very big, so only one book really caught my eye: Harry Potter and the Sorcerers' Stone. It was the book I tossed to the side with such ease just a couple of months earlier. I remembered grandma's eyes, how they sparkled when I opened the book. She really liked the gift. Why didn't I? Well, once again, I'm seven. All I cared about was trading my Edition 1 Vaporeon away to that jackass in the school yard who swore he had a Charizard (but let's be honest, what kid really did have a Charizard? It was the Holy Grail of Pokemon cards). After it was all said and done, I decided to read Harry Potter (out of respect for my grandma if anything).

2007 arrives. Ten years after reading my first Harry Potter book and I just finished my last. I wanted to cry. But I'm a manly man. I don't cry. I eat beef jerky and chug chocolate milk out of the carton. Anyway, that's a subject for another day. So I've spent ten years of my life reading JK Rowling's work and it really has enthralled me. It's by far my favorite series of books and it is what really got me into other books. JK Rowling and her characters are an important part of my life, even today. Speaking of which...

I rub my eyes. "Why the hell did I wake up this early? It's a Saturday and it's before noon. This is ridiculous. Maybe...maybe I woke up early for a reason. Let me check the internets!" October 20th, 2007...I rush to my computer. Something didn't feel right. Something seemed queer (pun absolutely intended). I log on to www.mugglenet.com and I see positively, absolutely the most amazing headline ever: JK Rowling tells shocked fans, "Dumbledore is gay." Is this a joke? It's got to be. Albus Dumbledore...nice old man...always ready to help those in need...likes men? What are you doing to me JK Rowling? What do you want from me? You can take my MTV, but you can't take my Dumblydorr!

If you don't mind Jo, I have some burning questions for you. First of all, why homosexuality? Couldn't you make Dumbledore a recovering alcoholic? That would explain why he never answers Harry but always looks at him vaguely in confusion. I mean, poor Harry's thwarted death about five times, has no parents, and just wants to know why an evil wizard wants to go OJ Simpson on him and all you have to say is "Ahh yes, but in essence divided?" What the hell does that even mean? You never even explained it to us, Jo! And why the hell is Dumbledore always smiling? I know he's gay, but to the literal sense of the word? Being a recovering alcoholic would also explain why he suddenly leaves the castle on weekends just when Harry needs a question answered. AA meetings are a bitch.

How bad does she want attention that she is willing to make her most beloved character a homosexual? Hey, I'm not saying being gay is wrong or anything...but why? He's not real. He's made up. How do I explain to my 12 year old son (I plan on having a 12 year old son, yes I do) that Professor Dumbledore has the Human Immunodeficiency Virus which is why he can't touch Harry throughout Order of the Phoenix. But that would raise questions as to why Dumbledore would want to touch Harry in the first place. So now Jo has made Dumbledore a homosexual with a dark past and a possible kid toucher. Why, JK Rowling? Why?

Listen, Jo, I really do love your stories. But I hate your attention seeking, front cover, made up on the spot answers to little kids' questions. Did you really have to tell those eight year olds that the only reason why Dumbledore never gets married is because he had bad man on man when he was a teen at Godric's Hollow? If Snape turns out to be a trans-sexual, I'm burning all of my books.